Okay, just to be clear here: lead is bad. Like, really, really bad. I’ve already covered this in a blog post about lead in dark chocolate, but the long and short of it is that lead harms the central nervous system, mainly the brain, especially during its development, leading to a whole host of diseases- namely, Alzheimer’s. 

In Consumer Report’s testing, they found detectable amounts of lead and cadmium, another dangerous heavy metal, in every single sample they tested. While none of them exceeded California’s maximum daily dose recommendations, many of them still contributed a dangerous amount- over 50% in some cases. This puts consumers significantly closer to dangerous amounts of lead intake, since the remainder will often be made up for by normal background exposure and heavy metals in other foods like chocolate. And, again, to be clear, this is in food meant for young children, usually elementary schoolers. 

Originally, that was supposed to be the headline of this article, in a similar vein to that chocolate article I mentioned earlier. That focus shifted as I took a deeper look at Lunchable’s shady marketing around its true healthiness.

You might assume, based on Lunchables marketing itself as a healthy meal option, that the food in them would be fresh, clean, and- nah, obviously not, anyone who has ever eaten them knows they taste like condensed microplastics (macroplastics, if you will). Lunchables are cheaply and recklessly processed in industrial factories, adding harmful and almost addictive-seeming chemicals into children’s meals. Processed meat is especially a concern here, since consuming it regularly raises the risk of heart attacks by almost 18%. For reference, red meat, which many health-conscious people reject for its less-than-ideal nutrition, only raises that number by 9%. 

Oh, and one of the preservatives used, sodium nitrite? Not only is it a potentially fatal toxin, but it also reacts with certain proteins in the body to form cancer-causing compounds. But don’t worry, this is definitely still a great choice for a lunch if you don’t have time to feed your kids yourself.

One part of the story jumped out at me as odd when I first looked at it. The Consumer Reports article seems to not pay much focus to the “lead” portion of the equation. The key headline of this bombshell report is… sodium content? What does some extra salt matter when compared to toxic metals in childrens’ food? Turns out, it really does matter- in fact, it’s one of the scariest parts of this whole report.

Salt, despite its ubiquity in American cuisine, is harmful in the extreme quantities it’s often consumed in. The biggest concern is hypertension (high blood pressure), which is commonly associated with risks of heart disease, stroke, and organ damage. Children are especially at risk, with data showing that eating high levels of sodium increases a child’s risk of developing hypertension by 40%. Most Lunchables sets have between 460 and 700 mg of sodium, which is, rather comically, comparable to a serving of pure sea salt. Some of these have more salt than a McDonalds Happy Meal (670 mg sodium), which doesn’t exactly reflect well on the brand’s “healthy” image.